Lonely at the top

Despite the heavy load I am undergoing now- some stuff badly needed for Sandugo Festival in Bohol because they did not like the studies the artist designed for them, I am basically empty. Work, work and work seems to be my only concern and I am lonely.

Some asshole of a friend told me this is because I am just getting old. A mystery just like PMS in women. I hate mysteries. They remind me of hours of kneeling and repetitious prayers. And growing old doesn't mean you would become lonely. I think.

But still I am.

Does staying at home because you don't have money to spend a symptom of maturity? I mean getting old? Or blatantly saying I AM BROKE is synonymous with old age? Or I am just lonely because I don't have money? No money + old age = Loneliness? Why it always comes to money? Or is it really money?

I don't know. I am lonely.

Such is the wonder of loneliness. You babble out nonsense.

Wonderfully Old

I received this email from a good friend who is fond of making pranks on me. Yeah, my birthday has passed and way too long to wait but still this. Enjoy you old folks.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60s, 70s and 80s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.

But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. 

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

Another Confession (Or thoughts that came in as I read Paul Theroux's The Lesson Of My Life article)

I am hard-headed. Hard-head because I do not confer my life with other people's and live my life according to theirs. 

Many times friends and relatives, mostly friends, ask me what will my future be. I never really planned my life as it should be and I never have a thought that when I grow old I should have the money to cling on to. 

While others save for their future, I go and explore the world and splurge my earnings for my family. I don't give them money, my family. Although The Mom would sometimes ask for something for our farmland and The Pa would ask for improvement of his bike and occasionally I secretly put an amount in my aunts' hands. It is all for family. 

I love them. Love can also be a dinner in an expensive restaurant which we rarely go. Or an expensive gift for an occasion. Or a bunch of goodies for each of our growing family.

When all settles down and everyone is satisfied, I don't have money to spare for a trip back to my place or for the rent and utilities, but I have given my family something to remember. As opposed to The Sis who is known to have become a millionaire and yet no member of the family would dare and ask something from her.

Friends say I am a drifter. I say I am. But my family looks at me as their idol. Who can beat that?

I go whenever and wherever the wind blows. I live life as it is.

I have cracks in my head but my family loves me.

(Photo taken by Ary and Photoshop-ped by Edik)