The Rescue

Loving someone forever? Impossible. But some people do. But those whom love is shared eventually leave and return to their former lovers or seek another one much better than... than yourself. Oh such is the fate of love.

But who will finally rescue you?

Here are some quotes from The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks.

>You're going to come across people in your life who say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter.

>It took me a long time to understand that distance can ruin even the best of intentions.

>People come, people go- they'll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.

Insensitivity

I was wondering why exes, you know, the past ones who left you (with emphasis on that), still wanting to control on what should I be posting about something I feel on a relationship that turned bad. Not because of me, of course. They left me over someone. And still they say Don't post this and that, I understand you and you can text me and share me what you felt but I won't reply, Because I know how you felt.

Hello.

And still, let me be kind by saying, they are more bitter than me and they hound me with messages that I am an insensitive asshole that I am.

I don't understand. Am I so dense?

This of course will bombard me with insensitivity comments...

A world of my own

Unnecessary heartaches left me stranded in my own little world and kept me longing for my family. They have been asking for my presence in important events but I declined. I retreated to a world I could only understand. Alone. Helpless. Emotional. I created them and the barrier.

Yes, I admit I was living in a world full of fantasy. I imagined perfect things. Perfect relationships.  Perfect settings. Everything. That was why I've fallen hard. And it hurts. 

Then I woke up this morning with a slap in my face. A slap coming from within, not outside. A sudden click in the mind telling me to wake up and get real. Something that awakened me after a numbing experience, a groggy sleep you don't want to. A snap! 

And there, the birds were alive and the sun brightened my place. Even the stray cats were trying to get in. Such a lovely day and I did not see its beauty. They have been around me for so long and I took them for granted, and instead, dwell on perfect dreams which were not really there. The things I took for granted should have been given me inspiration had I not enclosed myself with that mesh of uncertainty.

Family. They were there. All the time. 

Time to clean up my mess.

A note on Forgiveness:

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." - Catherine Ponder

A good deed a day to keep rumors away

Like a true Boy Scout, doing a good turn everyday is not just being noble and virtuous but also a feel good stimulus.

I felt disgusted at home while working because people told me things not worth telling to a grieving person like me. I was dumped by a lover, actually believed a lie and then these people were spreading this mang-aagaw daw ako stuff. How could I move on?

So I left home and spend time helping people on and off the streets. I’ve assisted an old man cross the streets of Colon. I’ve lend a hand to a lady who had so many shopping bags. I saved a lady who tripped her way upon boarding the jeep. I helped out the staff at the printing press with designs. Went with Judy and brisk walked to the pier to get some goods from Bohol.

At the end of the day, I was relieved and feeling much better. I received a hug, a warm smile and a tap in the back and a special attention worth remembering a lifetime.

So that would be my option from now- do a good turn every day and let rumor-mongering people do their worries.

The world is a great mirror. It reflects back to you what you are. If you are loving, if you are friendly, if you are helpful, the world will prove loving and friendly and helpful to you. The world is what you are.  – Thomas Dreier

Forgiving people

I slept late last night. So many thoughts still bothered me. I woke up very early this morning but soon drifted again to sleep. I could feel someone was touching me. He put me to sleep with his touch. It could be just an imagination but he touched me to calm me down. 

I woke up once again feeling refreshed. Had coffee and bagels. Do a little pushups. Hit the shower. The heat of the water finally woke me up. I stood under the shower for awhile without movement. Just feeling the water and being battered by its force. 

I felt good. And when I was done I made these resolutions-

• Clean my face from beard and stubbles. I looked like an old goat, my friends told me.
  
• Have a cool haircut this afternoon? I've been wishing for that new look but previous commitments prevented me from doing it.
  
• Finish my backlogged projects. It is time.
  
• Open my doors again and see the outside world.
  
• Go out with happy friends and laugh with them.
  
• Tears have dried. Move on.
  
• Forgive people who made me cry. I know they have reasons too for hurting me. And forgive myself for being unkind to myself. The only person who will be with me all through this lifetime is myself and I am being unkind.
  
• Surround myself with love and with people I love.
  

Despite the pain I've undergone, life is still beautiful.

And this song from Dishwalla-

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall 
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us 
are we ever 
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down 
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time 
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see 

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us 
are we ever 
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around 
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one 
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold.

3 days, 3 nights, 36 beers as I grieve

A perfect relationship just ended. I assumed and presumed that it was perfect because I was unattached to anybody or anything and my partner has just broken up with the boyfriend who left with somebody. Too much presumptions and assumptions.

I actually had a hard time. The courting and stuff took time. I was told to change. The perceptions were not good on me. I was known as the bad guy. Just be consistent and we will not have a problem was the constant reminder. I have to change my person and I obliged. I’ve been so meek and mild and true to my intentions of keeping the promise. Not that I was affirming their (some people's) perceptions, but I wanted the relationship to last longer. Longer than this lifetime.

But I was wrong. The person whom I thought loved me more than anybody else, called me up at 12 midnight on March 1, exactly 36 days when we were officially called THE couple, and informed me the ex came back. And they were once again reunited. That easy. 

That was hard for me. It was the Holocaust repeat, but only the million pieces of my person died in an instant. No gas chambers, no burnt flesh. Just me dissolving into an unknown space no one would ever take notice. I died alone.

And I cried a riverful. The relationship was a crying game until the end. My tears soaked my pillows in the morning. 

In my mind I recalled I was the consistent one. I’ve been dictated on what I should do and have done them all, all done meekly as a lamb, in the name of love. 

But what did I do? I let go.

Although I was so in love, I prefer to let the person go so they could be united once again. For how could you hold on if that person you love loves another? What good would it bring us?

I have all the Whys in the world you could imagine. But please don’t. It was complicated but I was not the one who leave.

Meanwhile, I have deadlines to beat but I did not mind them. I diverted my phone so no one would disturb me. I even deleted my accounts in the internet. This affected me so much. I was so bitter and kept blaming myself but at the same time hoping I could get over as fast and live my life again. 

It was a daily disaster. Terrible. A few days ago my lola died and I cried. And this. Everything and everyone died. Couldn't help my emotional mode to settle in. My person experienced a global warming within. My tears would suddenly roll like they were melted polar caps. And so when I could not cry any more, when my eyes have dried, I started cleaning the house. Every single nook and cranny I cleaned. I rearranged everything but not my thoughts.

Three days and three nights I cried. I was not sleeping. I was not working. I was not eating. I was drinking a lot. 36 bottles of San Miguel All Malt Premium for the 36 days of happiness that turned into hideously repulsive memories. 3 days. 3 nights. 36 beers.

In other words, I grieved. 

I could have done what King David has done. Get naked, go out and pour soil all over my body while questioning God why it happened. But I could not go out naked or else I would be in CPDRC (yeah, that prison facility) which is just a few kilometers away. And since no top soil could be found within a few yards from my place, I did not do a King David. I could not even question God on this.

I have loved and lost. Again.

And so I grieved. Just for now.

The Closed Door

2 AM. The rain started pouring down. Just like me. Down.

I opened my door.

The past weeks this door have always been closed. Per request. I hate closed doors, actually. They signify unwelcome gestures. They limit your vision of the outside world. But because I wanted to change I have them closed.

I stepped out. I felt the rain. Its coldness dampened my face. The cold rain. The cold air. My cold heart. Perfect cinematic effect.

I started walking towards the Capitol. Cebu's air suddenly felt so fresh.

So refreshing. Walking in the rain. I just walked, walking where ever my feet brought me. My head became a mindless entity. My feet did the thinking.

Thirty minutes of rain surely have dampened me. The tears were washed away. Gone.

I breathed again.

I went inside C24 to get a beer. I drank the icy coldness when Samson played on the radio. I love you first. I love you first. I choked. I've cried so many a tear tonight.

When I came home, I forgot I left my doors open. Not minding at all. If robbers have come, sure they could take everything they want. I have nothing anymore. But then again I was just paranoid. Somebody was paranoid! Nothing was taken. Opened, no doors of course were broken. I was the only one broken. Into million pieces.

I slept with my door opened. I will move on.



Picture from http://cunyadenki.deviantart.com/art/rain-44201581

Reason, Season, Lifetime... (from an email)

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..

When someone is in your life for REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson. Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

HOUSTON, I HAVE A PROBLEM

somebody called me up just a few minutes ago. he was blaming me for everything bad that happened in his life. for all the failed relationships he had. for the pain. he was obviously drunk. and i can't help but listen to him whine. i know turning my phone off would only mean disaster so i listed in bed and listened. all he need is a listening hear. exhausted (perhaps) he hung up on me.

which reminds me of an article i wrote in MP about a good friend who is now missing. this article was written 17 february 2004 at 2:07 in the morning.

DECONSTRUCTING RYAN

Yeah we meet again. Maski gikapoy ko, I told myself I shoud meet the guy. Again... We had coffee but coffee seems to be the least of things we need aside from the so many in our minds. We agreed to have beer again. So we went to my favorite hangout again! We had several beers and several emotional discussions. We shared thoughts on love lost again. On people we love and hate. On issues that only our kind understood or trying to understand. On things that matter so much to us. On scary moments, like meeting former lovers again!

We shared the same wavelenghts too! I know he is entangled in his own web of personal vision, disillusionment, hopes and dreams, frustrations, realizations, etc. that made him a colorful person just like me. Everytime we talk, the real Ryan would sometime show his emotional side, an attribute he is trying to hide? I don't know. He is a happy person on the surface. He always smiles. I think this made him look younger than his age. And cuter, I say. What's inside this person? What's in his mind? So far, I've only come to the point of knowing the Ryan on his frustrated side, at least. He is a very emotional child this time. I always see his watery eyes when he told me of things he wished didn't happened. Or the joy of doing good deeds to his mother. And I think I love this guy.

We went to Dunkin' Fuente to have another cup of coffee for him and a hot chocolate for me. We talked again and again. I never realized I only told people at home I'll be out just for a few minutes. That was 9:45 pm. And it was past 3 in the morning when I insisted we go home. Iya kong gihatod sa amoa. Sa taxi I can't help but hold his hand. And they stayed locked until we arrived at my place.

It was an emotional experience for me.