Over a cup of coffee

Coffee and lovers often mix. But each coffee shop I've been to exuded a different atmosphere, a different love affair. I can always feel the ambiance and the pulse of the people there. Different folks, different strokes. People converge here to talk, to see and to be seen and sometimes to be left alone. Or to heal a broken heart. The mocha-colored environment seemed an endless rainbow to me.

I’ve met my lover in a coffee shop.

And many others that followed. Maybe they sensed my love for coffee long before they knew me, a common denominator among us. We drank our coffee; we fell in love with each other. I was sure then that both our cups overflowed with love and joy as we talked about our future.

And it was here, over a cup of course, that I cried myself, over the pain of break-ups later. A close friend shared my dissent for "that person", as we drank our cupful. Desperation, too, seated at my side.

Coffee allowed me to meet different personalities. I've discussed contrasting views, haggle like a businessman, and carried away with the different trips of life. Over a cup, I've traveled to distant shores in different times. I've bid my farewells and goodbyes in coffee shops. Cup after cups of coffee have sent me to bed and awaken me in the middle of the night. My dealings with coffee have been as mysterious as a cappuccino or a latte, even more inexplicable than my shadowy affairs.

I was forced to stop drinking coffee for a short while when my doctor advised me not to, but it has not stopped me from visiting coffee shops. The scent and smell of coffee were as tempting as the fruit of life offered by Eve to Adam, making my medical fasting for coffee to last only for a while. With or without my doctor’s consent I splurged myself cup after cup. As if my very life itself depended on coffee.

And I haven’t stopped since then. When death shall have overcome me, I would still want my cup. And like death, each cup is worth a delightful wait.

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I have a bias for Bo's Coffee. They are not just owned by a Filipino but their coffee is much better than other counterparts. Bo's Coffee has branches all over the Philippines.

Cheesy Morning

Pic grabbed from weheartit.com

You won’t forget how much you loved, because love is not something easily forgotten. You won’t forget how hurt you felt, or how betrayed, or how alone. You won’t forget your promise to not feel hurt and betrayed and alone again. You won’t forget goodbye.

-William Henderson, Things You Don't Forget

Love dies

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. ~Anaïs Nin

Seen from MLQ3's Tumblr

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live 

Today we remember

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Whichever camp you are in: lovers who make this day extra sweet or those who hate those lovers because they are heartbroken and bitter.

Today we remember.

You will remember

Pablo Neruda

You will remember that leaping stream
where sweet aromas rose and trembled,
and sometimes a bird, wearing water
and slowness, its winter feathers.
You will remember those gifts from the earth:
indelible scents, gold clay,
weeds in the thicket and crazy roots,
magical thorns like swords.
You'll remember the bouquet you picked,
shadows and silent water,
bouquet like a foam-covered stone.
That time was like never, and like always.
So we go there, where nothing is waiting;
we find everything waiting there.

Crossing Over

I do not know

where I've

come from

I do not know

where I go

I only know

that I feel

in my heart

that I am here

surprised

a very small part

of Love.

Alice Walker, By the Light of My Father's Smile

Love (Pablo Neruda)

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.

I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands; how did your lips feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks, the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will do me irreparable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting stars, falling objects.

All We Need Is LOVE!

Oh, Love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. -Neil Gaiman

Artwork from fineartamerica.com

Kids' ideas on Love and Marriage

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -Glenn, age 7

"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -John, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -Manuel, age 8

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -Mae, age 9

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -Greg, age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -Tom, age 5

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Mike, 10

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -Jill, age 6

"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -Andrew, age 6

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, age 8

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Kenny, age 7

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -Ava, age 8

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -Anita, 9

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -Regina, age 10

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -Angie, age 10

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -Marlon, age 10

"[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -Kirsten, age 10

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -Floyd, age 9

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -Dave, age 8

from Things People Said

Love is fire

Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell. -Jason Jordan

Love and zombies

I was at Robinson's today for a lunch break. Alone and eating silently the two vegetarian pizza I ordered, I could not help but notice a young couple somewhere in a cornered space next to my table. They shared a big lemonade and looked like the two were enraptured with each other. They did not mind the stares. They were alone by themselves. Despite the crowd.

The young man, zombiefied with the presence of his girlfriend, only stared at her like he was afraid she might be blown away any moment. I never have seen zombies actually except in movies. Those hideous creatures who love to bite people. And this young man looked like one, staring at her girlfriend like she was a meal. He was licking his lips every now and then actually, smacking his lips. He, perhaps, was longing to eat her but time and space would not allow him to.

The girl was obviously kilig, the only real person between them. But she was like a trapped animal who could not decide if she wanted to leave or stay. She incessantly looked at her back every time, and many times if someone passed them by. Trapped but loving the moment. Look around. Smile. Stare at his boyfriend. Kilig.

Or were they sharing a forbidden love?

I envied them.

I wish to tell them to savor every moment they have and make them last if not forever. Soon, when the realities of life settles in, there will be no more crazy, raptured moments but a nagging pain to disconnect.

Love, like defecation, is never a settled matter. It forms and re-forms itself, makes itself felt, makes itself a NUISANCE. Merely a vehicle for physical exchange with another - illogical to place so much importance on it. - Lucy Ellmann, Dot in the Universe

Picture grabbed from www.broodonline.com

The Rescue

Loving someone forever? Impossible. But some people do. But those whom love is shared eventually leave and return to their former lovers or seek another one much better than... than yourself. Oh such is the fate of love.

But who will finally rescue you?

Here are some quotes from The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks.

>You're going to come across people in your life who say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter.

>It took me a long time to understand that distance can ruin even the best of intentions.

>People come, people go- they'll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.

Can we measure love?

I have a friend who kept on disturbing me when he is heartbroken. He would call me up on the wee hours of the morning, telling me how frustrated he was with his love affairs. He would whine and would act like a child prompting me to scold him and nag about his childish attitude instead of offering a sympathetic ear.

Because when you hear the same old tune over and over, again and again, your sympathetic ear becomes numb.

I saw how they were as lovers. They would fight in the car even if I am with them. The teasing slap in the face would become a fistfight. And I, having seen it repeatedly done, would turn a blind eye and deaf ear and would not mind them at all. They have separated several times and the other would come to me and ask for help. On their first separation I was also affected. Now when I hear them telling me they have separated (for the nth time), I would just give a smirky face at them.

I just wonder what has love got to do with the weird things we do in life? I have been in several affairs and past lovers would tell me they were hurt by me. All the while I thought I was the most loving partner they could ever have. 

How would you impart love and the other person see that as true love? Is love a subjective feeling? Even if I grew up in a violent environment, I sow seeds of love to my family and friends and almost to everyone to make up what I've lost. Yet it was not enough.

How do we measure love?

Picture from cardiophile.com

Sonnet LVVI by Pablo Neruda

[This is all for you. No matter what.]

I do not love you--except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from the cold into the fire.

I love you only because it's you I love;
I hate you no end, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe the January light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.

It's all about LOVE

We are rich

The holiday season brought us a very talkative 6-year old kid from Cavite. Innocence and amusement filled our household everyday during the holiday season.

One time she blurted out- Mayaman pala kayo Lolo, Lola! (You were rich Lolo, Lola!)

We laughed and we asked why.

Mayaman po kayo kasi may hagdan kayo. (You are rich because you have stairs.)

I never knew that a simple staircase could give meaning to a child. And she saw it as a status symbol. Now this staircase of ours is not the flamboyant type you can see in some rich man’s mansion. Our staircase is a compilation of wood slabs 6 inches wide and 24 inches long. I was suddenly conscious about it that I measured it up and counted them. They were the ugliest staircase I could find in the whole wide world.

I asked the child why the stairs made us rich. Her simple answer was- Wala po kaming ganyan. (We don’t have one at home.)

We were not rich just because we have a staircase. Yet those stairs were rich in memories of love and pain, of joy and sorrows. Looking at it, you could see it has survived time. Been polished many times to hide its deformities. Some parts have succumbed to termites and other calamities.

Many children loved playing on this staircase. Us. Our children. Our neighbors. Our nephews and nieces. Many a child got his foot sprained because of the undersized slabs. It was here that a loving and motherly love was shown to ease the sprained foot or a bruised head.

It was here when a sister sat and announced to the family that she was getting married. It was also here that she sat crying over her lost husband who died due to illness.

It was on the railings of the staircase that artworks were displayed by proud parents. It was also on those railings that a sister displayed her autographed picture of the first woman pilot of Cebu Pacific bearing a greeting for her because she worked at that same company. 

The alcoholic brother sat at those stairs not minding that the whole family was looking at him heaving a sigh full of pain and regret.

Yes, the child is right! We are rich!

Waking Up on the Other Side

My headache is back again!

I woke up late due to this fact and it seemed it is staying for long. And irritants of course followed. What was his name again? That guy who said when something bad will happen everything will be happening bad too? That sort.

I don't know why but these past days my life seemed so volatile. 

The DTI Director called me up demanding (that was how I see it) that the projects I designed should be at their hands now. I was confused. It was stated in our contract that I will only do the photography, layouting and designing of their materials. All of which have been done already and a lot more from me. They were expecting me to make everything easy for them and not for me. Honestly, I already have spent longer time on their projects which started last July and could not be completed because they lacked the materials. The design was already there waiting for their materials. But the end result, they always point it to me as the source of problem. I told them through email and reitereated that I have done a lot, lots and I mean lots of effortS (capital S to the max) and money as well as emotional disturbance because of these projects. I could not think of better ways how to tell them to fuck off and move on.

In connection to these, I also asked my clients to pay me now because I am the poorest of all the beggars in Cebu and I have millions (okay, that's an exaggeration) of debts to pay. But honestly, I am now in debt because I have no other means to find money. But they kept postponing payments. I console myself that they are more pathetic than me because they could not pay me. That's a plus today, a reason to smile despite the hungry stomach. And people I owed kept asking me when can I pay.

The more my head aches.

My friends told me I am turning into another Lestat this time (see my previous article on this headache). I was thinking of that Twilight movie but no, Lestat was more dramatic and blood-thirsty, so my friends maybe were right. I am Lestat or turning to be! Although I haven't seen Twilight yet and was not reading reviews, I wanted only Lestat to be my ideal vampire. Har har har!

Speaking of friends, I suddenly became a counselor-cum-psychiatrist-cum-hearing aide-cum- everything these past weeks. Just because I am old doesn't prove their point that I am more matured and more experienced. Just because I am 40 doesn't give them the right to bombard me with their whinings and suicidal solutions to their love problems. Maybe this is a contributing factor to my headaches. But still I listened and help them out of suicide attacks. We have had enough of Mumbai and Mindanao!

But then again, life has been so kind to me, and to everyone, I believe. My printing press allowed me a cash advance to pay for my apartment and utilities. I could have kissed the manager but it would be improper to do so. So one problem down.

My former housemate left a cache of food I haven't seen before and I had an alternative in case I would soon die of starvation. Another problem down.

Smartbro has not cut my internet connection yet. Yet! Wow, that was so touching knowing Smart to be more of the money-hungry company that they are and they were not cutting my internet when my dues are long overdue. Another miracle here.

Also, my neighbor gave me a pack of dried fish the other day, for me to try. I immediately grabbed them and watched myself in the mirror to determine my state of starvation. Maybe they really just wanted me to try them. I hope.

I may have only 25 pesos in my pocket right now, but I am not that bothered. Okay, I am bothered! But still life has been so kind to me. And that's the reason I am thanking God everyday, before I go to sleep, for all the miracles He has given me despite the problems. He might not be the direct giver of all these (my neighbor didn't say the gift was from God), but still I thank Him and for the day that passed. It means I have lived.

I was just waking up on the other side of my bed. Isn't that beautiful?

My Mother

A True Mother's Love

A mother's love is consistent

and patient, it will never fade.

A mother's love is warm and

compassionate, even in the

shade. A mother's love will

always help you through the

weakest hours. A mother's love

is always like a bouquet of

flowers. A mother's love is

strong and will never steer

you wrong. A true mother's

love is beautiful in many ways.

A true mother's love is sincere

and it takes a mother's love to

conquer our fears. A true mother's

love knows the depth of love. A

true mother's love is contentment,

just like God's love. My mother's

love is absolutely all of the above.

Patarica D. Nunn

from The English Patient

When we meet those we fall in love with, there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant, who imagines or remembers a meeting when the other had passed by innocently, just as Clifton might have opened a car door for you a year earlier and ignored the fate of his life. But all parts of the body must be ready for the other, all atoms must jump in one direction for desire to occur.

Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient, 1992