Of Soups and Rain,The Boholano Connection

I am not a Bol-anon! That's what people say to me knowing I am not really fond of soups of any kind. It is like Bohol is equated with soup. I don't know why. But unlike most of Boholanos who would make their rice swim in its different concoctions, I rather have mine dry.

I remember my mother who would make spring chicken (translated as manok Bisaya) soup and would tell us to have as much, so it would rain. I don't know what was the connection. When you were young you would not question the wisdom of the old folks. Or else. There was no child abuse law during my time.

They also had a hard time forcing me to eat soup when I have fever or when I am sick. I don't like soup. Period.

But I don't know what happened to me last night. My friend brought me to Chicken Company and all I ordered was chicken soup. It was not the best of soups. It was rather bland for my taste and too commercial with only two bits and pieces of chicken and some very small pieces of vegetables. But I devoured the whole bowl.

I woke up early this morning because it was raining hard.

Chicken Crossing (The Professional Heckler Version)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Here’s why according to controversial Filipino personalities (government officials, politicians, prominent businessmen, and local celebrities):

21: Lolit Solis: “Ma at pa! Basta! Sure ako sa aking nakita! Tumawid ang manok na ‘yan at may kasama pa siyang isa. Hinding-hindi ako magre-retract.”

20: ABS-CBN: “Somebody manipulated the chicken into crossing the road and we believe that the manipulator comes from another network.”

19: GMA 7: “We strongly condemn the insinuation that we were involved in the manipulation of the chicken. We will take this baseless allegation to court to clear our name.”

18: Juan Manuel Marquez: “To do some unfinished business.”

17: Manny Pacquiao: “I don’t agree. For me, business is over.”

16: Tim Yap/The Gucci Gang: “To party! (And snort some stuff.)”

15: Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel: “Oh I’m sorry. A-ha-ha. I’m only 17 years old. I did not expect that the chickens is a tough hens.”

14: MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando: “Pano’ng di tatawid ‘yan eh wala nang madaanan sa sidewalk. Okupado ng vendors!”

13: Joseph Estrada: “A legal study shows that the chicken can still cross the road even if it has failed to complete its first attempt to get to the other side.”

12: Albay Gov. Joey Salceda: “The important thing is the chicken didn’t get run over. Such a lucky bitch!”

11: Cory Aquino: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Let us all pray so that the truth will come out.”

10: President Arroyo: “I reiterate: my government is focused on the economy. We will not be bothered by the noise created by some fowls marching in some streets.”

9: CBCP: “We are also for the truth and we believe that no one should prevent witnesses from talking. But please, leave the chicken alone and let it finish its journey to the other side!”

8: Sen. Joker Arroyo: “Don’t mess around with my chicken!”

7: Sen. Jamby Madrigal: “Let’s subpoena the chicken and ask why. If it refuses to talk, I will expose its secrets.”

6: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “I have a surprise witness who will tell us why the chicken crossed the road. Ladies and gentlemen… my witness!”

5: Leo San Miguel: “Aba malay ko! Wala akong alam d’yan.”

4: Benjamin Abalos: “Preposterous! I categorically deny na nagbanta akong ipapapatay ang manok na ‘yan kaya biglang tumawid sa kabila!”

3: CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri: “I heard that motorists always try to beat the red light in that street. I believe the chicken crossed the road to moderate their speed.”

2: Jun Lozada: “Kinabahan kasi ang chicken nang lapitan ito ng tatlong tandang na hindi nagpakilala. Naalala tuloy niya ang nangyari noon kina McChicken at Chickenjoy… kinidnap tapos pinatay.”

And the No. 1 answer to the question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

1: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “You keep saying that the chicken crossed the road but where is your evidence!? Maglabas muna kayo ng ebidensya!”

HERE’S TWO MORE:
Philippine Daily Inquirer (Banner Story): “Unnamed sources say the chicken crossed the road to lay eggs”

Two days later…

Philippine Daily Inquirer (Erratum): “We would like to apologize to the chicken. It couldn’t possibly lay eggs as what we have previously reported because the chicken was in fact - a rooster!”

Chickens Unite!

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Tyson Foods Inc., the largest U.S. meat company, said it will investigate allegations by the animal-welfare group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that chickens were abused and tortured at two of its chicken processing plants. PETA said an undercover investigator for the group had video documentation of workers throwing live chickens, hitting them with fists, and urinating in an area where the live birds were shackled.

"We're committed to proper animal handling in all aspects of our operations and are conducting our own investigation into the claims by PETA, which is well known for its anti-meat agenda," Tyson said in a statement on Thursday.

Chickens are on the headlines today. No. They are not bringing the bird flu again. You might think they are marching, bringing placards demanding fair treatment, as pictured in cartoons and movies. Well, in a way, yes.

When People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) went undercover to Tyson Foods (a major supplier of chicken and other meat in the US), they found out that chickens there were being abused. You heard it right. Abused!

Now that is a story.

I was wondering why PETA would love to castigate the first world countries on their animal treatment policies. I suggest they come to the Philippines or China for this matter.

Filipinos I believe are not really mindful of the feelings of animals to be slaughtered for food. I’ve seen pigs being tied, mouth stuck with a piece of wood to stifle their cries before the final cut in their arteries. I’ve seen water buffalos being struck in the knees, hit with a crowbar in the head before being slit in the neck. The basic premise there is food. To survive. To have something in the stomach. And in the case of the Filipinos, animal rights are not right. I think PETA has a lot of persuasive movements to do in the land of the rising sun.

I used to dress chickens when I was young. The first time I did it, I was actually crying because it was the chicken I loved, I fed, I cared for, everyday. The only abuse I can remember was the slitting of the chicken’s neck while I was holding its wings and feet. The only abuse was psychological in nature, me holding my chicken, dying in my hands. It was me who was abused. But when my father finished cooking my chicken, the love of good food restored my gustatory cravings. And I ate my chicken with much gusto.

And while you are about to enjoy your chicken meal, Tyson Foods Inc. offered a free downloadable booklet “designed to help you discover (or rediscover) the joy and power of saying a word of thanks at mealtime. It’s a wonderful way to celebrate the sharing of good food with family and friends.” I am sure PETA would agree on this. Here are the sample graces before meals:

'Round the table peace and joy prevail. May all who share this meal's delight enjoy countless more.

Thank you for the food we eat; Thank you for the friends we meet; Thank you for our work and play; Thank you, God, for a happy day.

God has been gracious to us, thanks and praise be to God He has drowned us in His blessings... There is no God but God Let us eat of His blessings... And remember His presence... And hope for His mercy... There is no God but God Muhammad set His foot (in the world)... And became the Intercessor, The Beloved Friend of Truth There is no God but God O God, our Lord, cause a table to descend unto us from heaven, that the day of its descent may become a festival day unto us; and do you provide food for us, for you are the best Provider.

Cristo, pan de vida, Ven y bendice esta comida. Amen Christ, bread of life, Come and bless this food. Amen

We thank you, loving Father, For all your tender care, For food, and clothes, and shelter, And all your world so fair.

Hail, hail, hail, may happiness come. May food come. May corn come. Just as the farmers work and look forward to the reaping, So may we sit again as we are sitting now. May our enemies turn from us and go... Lord, return among us and be our Guest.

For every cup and plateful, May the Lord make us truly grateful.

Bénedic, Dómine, nos et haec tua dona quae de tua largitate sumus sumpturi. Per Chritum Dóminum nostrum. Amen Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen

Bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies, and our bodies to Thy service. For we ask these things in Thy name. Amen

The Lord is good to me, And so I thank the Lord, For giving me the things I need, The sun and the rain, And the appleseed. The Lord is good to me. (To be sung.)

Good food, Good treats, Good God, Let's eat!

We thank you, Heavenly Father, For all things bright and good, The seedtime and the harvest, Our life, our health, our food.

May these words of praise ask You for food for our offspring, And for ourselves. You are gracious to us.

Thank you for the world so sweet, Thank you for the food we eat. Thank you for the birds that sing, Thank you, God, for everything. Amen

Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub. Amen

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha-olam hamotzi lechem min ha-aretz. Blessed art Thou, Lord our God, King of the universe who brings forth bread from the earth.

May the salt on this table remind us of the wisdom of our Baptism, O Father. May the bread on this table remind us of the sacrifice of the altar. May the food remind us of your Word Incarnate. Amen

Some hae meat and canna eat, And some would eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit.

Our Father, we are mindful of those who have friends but no food...and those who have food but no friends. We thank you this day we have both. Help us to befriend the friendless and to share our substance with those who hunger. Amen - U.S. Coast Guard Chaplain Program

For what we are about to receive, May the Lord make us truly grateful. Amen

Lord, bless our shared meal, a sacrament to our shared unity. - Mount St. Mary's Abbey

This ritual is One. The food is One. We who offer the food are One. The fire of hunger is also One. All action is One. We who understand this are One.

Father, we thank Thee for this food, for health and strength and all things good. May others all these blessings share, and hearts be grateful everywhere.

May the blessing of the five loaves and the two fishes which Jesus divided among the Five Thousand be ours, And may the King who made the division put luck in our food and in our portion. Amen

Good Lord - Bless these sinners as they eat their dinners. Amen

Great God, accept our gratitude, For the great gifts on us bestowed, For rainment, shelter and for food. Great God, our gratitude we bring, Accept our humble offering, For all the gifts on us bestowed, Thy name be evermore adored.

God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for our food. By his hands, we are fed. Let us thank him for our bread. Amen

Now that I am about to eat, O Great Spirit, give my thanks to the beasts and birds whom You have provided for my hunger, and pray deliver my sorrow that living things must make a sacrifice for my comfort and well-being. Let the feather of corn spring up in its time and let it not wither but make full grains for the fires of our cooking pots, now that I am about to eat.

For the blessings you've bestowed upon this home and on this family, For all the days we've had together and all the days to come, For the joys and sorrows that bind us ever closer, For the trials we've overcome, And for teaching us that we can do no great things only small things with great love, Lord, we thank you.

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