Search and You Shall Find in My World

31 May 2009

No Air

I have become deaf. And suffocated. That instance when you wanted to go out to breath some air but could not. I am literally trapped and gasping for air on my own doing.

You see, this neighbor of mine has texted me since last night asking me to accompany him to some place where he could drown himself in alcohol because he just found out his lover is seeing someone else for more than a month now. He just discovered them through their exchange of text.

That's the problem when you mess with other people's phones. And all you could do is drown yourself in alcohol and wallow in tears.

I could not. I am having fever.

This morning at 5 when I am still nursing my cough, colds, fever and jellyfish stings, he texted me again asking if he could stay in my place awhile. Since I am still groggy with the meds I am taking, I did not reply. I received about 5-6 messages until nine in the morning. I said he can come when I finally realized he is desperate for company.

He wanted to use my internet. Ok.We talked about his problem while he was searching at Friendster and some networking sites the face of his counterpart. As always he is polite. Pwede patugtog? Oo naman. Pwede magsigarilyo? Oo naman despite I was bending over coughing it out. Pwede lakasan natin ang tugtog? Oo naman ok lang ako despite of the fact that I was immersed on a book.

He is actually playing again and again and for the nth time Rihanna's Take A Bow. Believe me, because of that, I could almost sing along with Rihanna without glancing at a lyric pad. He is killing himself slowly.

I wanted to understand him. Oh these agonies of the heart he could not even share despite my prodding. Been there, been that.

Gusto mo atang magpakamatay ah. Paulit-ulit mo si Rihanna. He said he just wanted to listen to that song because it reminds him of the things he wanted to do with his lover.

Putang inang love. Meanwhile I am gasping for air. He did not noticed.

Heartache painting by Scott Brooks (

30 May 2009

Noodles and Education

I was wondering how come the Department of EDUCATION in the Philippines is UNEDUCATED when it comes to instant noodles. They believed the noodles are highly nutritious thereby approving millions of people's money to feed them to school children.

I thought I was alone.

Here is a letter from an Inquirer reader:

While many, myself included, were angered by the Department of Education’s controversial purchase of extremely overpriced (by about 400 percent) instant noodles for its feeding program, what I find more outrageous is the fact that the DepEd considers instant noodles a healthful, nutritional alternative supplement for children.

Never mind that 15 million packs of instant noodles were found to contain no egg or malunggay ingredients—thus belying the claims of Jeverps Manufacturing Corp., the supplier of the instant noodles. And how the DepEd officials had not known that instant noodles have a high (and therefore harmful) content of sodium and fat, not to mention MSG (believed to be correlated with obesity, asthma and other health problems) escapes me. In other words, instant noodles are empty foods (or “basura” in the words of my father).

What makes this issue more painful for me is that I have observed in Japan that children are required to eat lunch meals provided in school. The meals are carefully thought-out and prepared by well-trained cooks and dieticians, thus ensuring that there are foodstuffs from all the basic food groups.

One of the Filipina mothers I interviewed raved about how well her half-Japanese child is eating in school. A typical meal consists of a fresh salad, miso (soy product high in protein) soup with seaweeds (high in iron), fish or meat with vegetables and rice, and fruit. The lunch itself serves as a great lesson for the children about the importance of eating right.

If we have P284 million to spend on instant noodles, could we not use the money for more nutritious alternatives?


28 May 2009

House Makeover

I am tired of the usual cream and white color of my house. After being hired as a house painter, I noticed that there were several cans of paints remained unused. So I asked the owner if I could have those. He agreed. And some stuff he did not need anymore, he gave me.

This is the result of the makeover.

Sonnet XXXV

No more be grieved at that which thou hast done:
Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud,
Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,
And loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud.
All men make faults, and even I in this,
Authorizing thy trespass with compare,
Myself corrupting salving thy amiss,
Excusing thy sins more than thy sins are:
For to thy sensual fault I bring in sense-
Thy adverse party is thy advocate-
And 'gainst myself a lawful plea commence:
Such civil war is in my love and hate
    That I an accessary needs must be
    To that sweet thief which sourly robs from me.

William Shakespeare

27 May 2009

Bohol and Hayden Kho

Who would not know Hayden Kho by this time? Maybe you have seen his videos on the internet. Our government officials did and there is no reason for you to procrastinate.

I was quite moved by the news that the Bohol provincial government declared Kho as persona non-grata. How come?

I used to define persona non grata as an ungrateful person so he is not welcome anywhere. But Wikipedia defines them only as unwelcome persons. It further states that in non-diplomatic usage, calling someone persona non grata is to say that he or she is ostracized, so as to be figuratively nonexistent.

But why should Bohol come to the point of ostracizing a sinner?

According to a news report from, the provincial government's resolution stated- "We hereby manifest that we detest Mr. Kho's presence and he is not welcome to set foot on Bohol's soil." Uh-oh. That is not so Boholano of them. The lawmakers further stated that they do not want Kho to bring his sexual exploits to the island. Why? Are they sure Kho will evade the limelight in Manila and bring his Haydencam to Bohol and record another sexual encounter? C'mon. Get real.

I am against Kho's taking of videos of his sexcapades and spreading them in the internet (this he deny doing) but being judgmental about him and his wrongdoings is not for us to do. It is like we are saints and he is the only devil in this side of the world. Yeah we are not like him. Yeah we are sinless as anybody else. Yeah Bohol is A PARADISE full of angels and saints. Why let a sinner stain its beautiful beaches and bitches in the guise of cooling off in that God-chosen island?

This is hypocrisy.

The case of Hayden Kho will soon be in court. Why make him the worst person in the world? Why not let that pest out of him defend himself in proper venues?

Samuel Johnson said- Nothing is more unjust, however common, than to charge with hypocrisy him that expresses zeal for those virtues which he neglects to practise; since he may be sincerely convinced of the advantages of conquering his passions, without having yet obtained the victory, as a man may be confident of the advantages of a voyage, or a journey, without having courage or industry to undertake it, and may honestly recommend to others those attempts which he neglects himself.

And while the rest of the world are trying to control the swine flu, others testing their military capacity by trying their missiles, the Philippines is busy watching Hayden Kho's sexual videos and debating on them in the guise of in-aid-of-legislation..

26 May 2009

After reading Revenge and Forgiveness when it suddenly rains

The rain falls angry on my door like a hundred horses wanting to come in. I was reading Revenge and Forgiveness but I could not forgive the rain for coming.

I feel suddenly alone and empty. The rain added the drama. A perfect setting.

My thoughts wander. What if I go out? What if I get myself wet?

But then again the rain , this rain, would have me in her arms like a mother would. Hugging. Filling this emptiness. Dousing this longing.

Get up!

And so I drag myself out.

Oh this rain. This life. It feels cold yet it satisfies my want. It drenches me but it also cleanses my tired soul. Ah rain. I miss my childhood when I can dance naked under your caress. No inhibitions. No people to please. No nothing. I miss the pageant unfolding. The no nonsense drama. The real me. I miss my innocence. I miss my life. I miss you.

And these are the thoughts of a forty year old. In the rain.

When my Indon friend would have been here he would have asked- Sedang apa? (What are you doing?) I would have replied- Kabarku baik-baik saja. (I am doing good.)

25 May 2009

The Pacquiao of Films: Brillante Mendoza

No! I am not really a Pinoy film fan. In fact my last viewing of Pinoy commercial films was eons ago. I could not even remember if it was a Vilma or Sharon-starrer but one thing I am sure of- it was disgusting! And it was supposed to be the Best Picture in the country.

I saw some so called indie films from pirated DVDs I borrowed from my friends' collections but they were mostly gay movies riding the indie trend, so I stopped viewing them.

But when Inquirer posted a news that a certain Brillante Mendoza knocked down bigtime directors in Cannes festival, I am truly amazed. How come?

Imagine this Mendoza bested Ang Lee, Pedro Almodovar, Jane Campion and Quentin Tarantino! Wow! He must be that good, if not the best!

Mendoza bested past Oscar and Cannes winners, like Taiwan’s Ang Lee, Spain’s Pedro Almodovar, New Zealand’s Jane Campion, Denmark’s Lars von Trier, and the United States’ Quentin Tarantino.

As the first Filipino to win the Best Director prize in Cannes, he joins the list of revered filmmakers who have won the coveted prize, including Martin Scorsese, Ingmar Bergman, Francois Truffaut, Luis Buñuel, Robert Bresson, Costa Gavras, Bernard Tavernier, Werner Herzog, Robert Altman, Joel Coen and Gus Van Sant. (

I wish Pinoy films have come this far. I mean, not funny when the film should have been a horror story. Or seeing scenes dwelling on the longer kissing/sex scenes just to "fill in" the gaps. Or parading naked men because this is an indie film. In other words- SUBSTANCE.

Finally I have a reason to see this Pinoy film, this Kinatay, and not just another Pinoy film.

24 May 2009

The Disneyfication of Cebu Metropolitan Cathedral

Ballad of a Despairing Husband

My wife and I lived all alone,
contention was our only bone.
I fought with her, she fought with me,
and things went on right merrily.

But now I live here by myself
with hardly a damn thing on the shelf,
and pass my days with little cheer
since I have parted from my dear.

Oh come home soon, I write to her.
Go fuck yourself, is her answer.
Now what is that, for Christian word?
I hope she feeds on dried goose turd.

But still I love her, yes I do.
I love her and the children too.
I only think it fit that she
should quickly come right back to me.

Ah no, she says, and she is tough,
and smacks me down with her rebuff.
Ah no, she says, I will not come
after the bloody things you've done.

Oh wife, oh wife -- I tell you true,
I never loved no one but you.
I never will, it cannot be
another woman is for me.

That may be right, she will say then,
but as for me, there's other men.
And I will tell you I propose
to catch them firmly by the nose.

And I will wear what dresses I choose!
And I will dance, and what's to lose!
I'm free of you, you little prick,
and I'm the one to make it stick.

Was this the darling I did love?
Was this that mercy from above
did open violets in the spring --
and made my own worn self to sing?

She was. I know. And she is still,
and if I love her? then so I will.
And I will tell her, and tell her right . . .

Oh lovely lady, morning or evening or afternoon.
Oh lovely lady, eating with or without a spoon.
Oh most lovely lady, whether dressed or undressed or partly.
Oh most lovely lady, getting up or going to bed or sitting only.

Oh loveliest of ladies, than whom none is more fair, more gracious, more beautiful.
Oh loveliest of ladies, whether you are just or unjust, merciful, indifferent, or cruel.
Oh most loveliest of ladies, doing whatever, seeing whatever, being whatever.
Oh most loveliest of ladies, in rain, in shine, in any weather.

Oh lady, grant me time
please, to finish my rhyme.

Ballad of a Despairing Husband/Robert Creeley

A Nightmare to Remember

I stared at the ceiling. I just woke up and the bed seems different. Have I been drunk again? But no. I only had a few bottles last night.
I’ll seek you out,
Flay you alive
One more word and you won’t survive
And I’m not scared of your stolen power
I see right through you any hour

My head did not hurt. I am very okay, I think. Where the hell am I? This is not my bed. Everything is so different.
I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain

I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace
Ugh, so early in the morning and the sound of the music player sounds so loud. I closed my eyes and make my brain stop thinking. Outside the cats started its catplay.

Somebody is in the shower.
Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze

And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace
The door opened. Hi, was all the words I could mutter.

I woke up on the other side of the bed.
ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh, Felling any foe with my gaze
ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh, Steadily emerging with grace
ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh, Felling any foe with my gaze
ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh, Steadily emerging with grace...

Picture from
Song by Blue Foundation, Eyes on Fire

23 May 2009

The Rescue

Loving someone forever? Impossible. But some people do. But those whom love is shared eventually leave and return to their former lovers or seek another one much better than... than yourself. Oh such is the fate of love.

But who will finally rescue you?

Here are some quotes from The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks.

>You're going to come across people in your life who say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter.

>It took me a long time to understand that distance can ruin even the best of intentions.

>People come, people go- they'll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.

22 May 2009

Welcome to the World

My new nephew, Liam Lorenzo Dolotina Barol is a new addition to the large Dolotina family.

I am Cold

The television was already turned on when I came in. The show from a pirated film was about soldiers raping women and killing village men.

I looked out to the windows.

In the distance, the clouds were getting pregnant and looked like they too were ready to burst anytime. They promise another violence as lightning flashed its crooked smile.

I shivered in my seat.

19 May 2009

Rainy Moment in Summer at Ayala Center Cebu

Back Then

When I was young, I only have the option to wear briefs or no briefs. And there is no other.

Nowadays, meaning I am that old, I have choose what type of underwear I have to use.

Things have become easier but a little bit complicated.

For those of you who still could not tell what underwear you are wearing, here is a guide from The Wall Street Journal.

(All pics from The Wall Street Journal Fashion page)

18 May 2009

Gusto ko rin to

Na ganito na lang din ang trabaho ko. Whew!

Birds of the same feather

Every day for almost two years now, several birds would make a visit in my place.

Some of them would knock on my glass window near my door I would thought an unexpected visitor is at the door.

Sometimes they would peek at my screened windows as if trying to look who is inside.

They would wake me up with their cheerful twittering and knocking.

Can someone donate me a birdhouse?

(Picture from

17 May 2009

A Questionable Question

In one of my not-so-sober moments, Emmy asked me why I love taking pictures of the sky. I told her it was just a coincidence. Deep inside I was recalling if my photos were indeed shots mostly of the skies.

I noticed, Emmy told me, that your favorite subject is the sky, she reiterated.

Yeah I think so. But I could not answer her. I don't have the knowledge and the interpretation of this desire to shoot the sky. More questions came out of my mind.

Maybe I wanted freedom? The sky is so wide I could be lost in its vastness. Freedom from what?
Maybe I wanted silence and peace? The sky, in its vastness, is free of worldy things that clogged the mind. There you only share the birds and at some point aircrafts and is generally peaceful.

Maybe I love everything wide and vast like the skies? Maybe I am, in most cases, uncertain with things, so my pictures tell me of who I am.

My life is full of maybes. Until now.

16 May 2009

Wonderful Animation

I was browsing through Hay!Men! when I saw this very exciting animation from Aniboom, the virtual animation studio.

See for yourself how wonderful is this.

Surprised Trucker

A trucker driving, noticed a man and a woman making love in the middle of the road ahead. He blew the horn several times, finally applied the brakes desperately. The truck stopped just inches from the couple.

Trucker: You bastards! Didn't you hear my horn?
Man: I did but I was coming! She was coming! You were coming! And you were the only one with brakes.

(Joke from a text message. Picture from

14 May 2009

Ausencia: Pablo Neruda

Apenas te he dejado,
vas en mi, cristalina
o temblorosa,
o inquieta, herida por mi mismo
o colmada de amor, como cuando tus ojos
se cierran sobre el don de la vida
que sin cesar te entrego.

Amor mio,
nos hemos encontrado
sedientos y nos hemos
bebido toda el agua y la sangre,
nos encontramos
con hambre
y nos mordimos
como el fuego muerde,
dejandonos heridos.

Pero esperame
guardame tu dulzura.
Yo te dare tambien
una rosa.

12 May 2009

Lost and Found

I received a long call from an old friend. For five years I never heard anything from him. No mails. No updates. Suddenly he called up checking if I am still using my number.

Times and attitudes have changed. He has become more of a braggart. I mean he bragged a lot when he was here in the Philippines. And has become worst. He told me he didn't like it here in the Philippines because this country is just like what it is called- a third world country. He nags about undisciplined people and the poor people populating everyday. He said he would only visit here because his parents are still here.

He told me of things of grandeur of which the ordinary Pinoy could not have. I told him I have no work. What the fuck! You are an old bum? Go to hell and be dead! But I was not hurt. We were laughing so hard I could no longer hear him on the other line.

You know what? There's a burger joint down there and the line is almost three blocks long. He told me of an American associate telling him a weird incident. What burger joint? he asked. In the middle of deep winter, lots of Filipinos with kids lined up and it's called Jollibee. Do you have Jollibee in Singapore? Why no we don't allow that crap in Singapore, he replied. The American was dumbfounded.

My friend never told anyone else that he is (or was?) a Filipino. What Filipino? Fuck! I am Singaporean.

That's my friend. He could be mean to the highest level. He is the worst person you can ever imagine. BUT I have learned to love him worst and all.

I had fun talking to him, once again.

Confucius invented Confusion


I barely have two hours sleep and was suddenly awakened by these-
  • Children running around playing tag. Their laughter filled in my sleep. They are happy. I smiled, their happiness infecting me.
  • Kitchen utensils banging. Somebody must be cooking and it means they have food.
  • A pig snorted and squekked. It reminds me of a Muslim friend who is afraid of pigs. I laughed silently.
  • Birds twittering. It means my place is still blessed.
Ahhh it is so nice to hear happy noises.

10 May 2009

I Promise It's Not Goodbye

Mommy, please don't cry
I'm as safe as I can be
I know you miss me so
But I've finally been set free
If you find that you need me
I'll be waiting right here
To help you get through
And take away all your fear
I love you so much mom
But it's time for me to fly
I'll visit you every night
I promise it's not goodbye

Bubba, please don't cry
I'm still your best friend
We will always be together
There'll never be an end
I hope you don't forget
The games we loved to play
Keep me in your heart
And forever I will stay
I love you so much brother
But it's time for me to fly
I'll visit you every night
I promise it's not goodbye

Daddy, please don't cry
I am still here everyday
It may not be the same
But beside you I still lay
When you think of me tonight
Hold me tight in your mind
If you ever again need me
I won't be hard to find
I love you so much daddy
But it's time for me to fly
I'll visit you every night
I promise it's not goodbye.

Risk is Freedom

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To express feelings is to risk exposing your truer self.

To expose your ideas, your dreams,

before a crowd is to risk their.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest

hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The people who risk nothing do nothing,

have nothing, are nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow

but they cannot learn, change, feel, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes they are slaves,

they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

Copied from Posi+ivism

Mother's Day Annoyance

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. -Marion C. Garretty

SUDDENLY, AT 4 IN THE MORNING, three persons texted me with messages thanking my mother because today is Mother's Day. At 4 in the morning! Did you get it? It's dawn!

And these people did not even knew my mother's name!

And just as I am about to go wander off to sleep again, another bombardment of the same forwarded messages batters me.

Yeah it was such a noble act. Not knowing my mother and getting so sweet to her would get my mother to fetch a barangay tanod and scare the hell out of these texters, if my mother is sane enough to bring a barangay tanod. She don't even know if there is a Mother's Day!

I mean, yeah, today is Mother's Day for the rest of you. Why don't you just save your text messages until a sane person is crazy enough to wake up, like 8 in the morning, on a Sunday. Or better still why don't you save your money for text messaging and buy your own mother a gift? I am very sure your mother would be bouncing up and about in glee, knowing suddenly you are buying her a cheap gift.

These Mother's Day stuff and all are corny and only caters to commercially-inclined entities. It means come-and-celebrate-and-we-have-your-money day. So why don't you stop going with the crowd. Show your mother REAL LOVE not just today but everyday. And I mean EVERY DAY!

Mothers don't need a special day. Everyday is special for mothers, just in case you don't know.

(Picture from the Franklin D. Roosevelt Library, courtesy of the National Archives and Records Administration)

09 May 2009

To my mother and to the mothers of all the girls in my life

Footnote on Childhood
by Celeste Zeta Montalban

Coveting some pies the child
Climbed on Mother's cupboard
When eight
Broke the vase, one day in June.
Whip was raised awakening pain
Deeper than the fragile skin.
Many glasses
Are broken in youth
The ego needs a constant

Bits of glass pieces
Remind wounded conscience
Some instances of an imbedded
Piece in stubborn bare feet
A hurricane somewhere is
Badly needed to siphon
Off permanent tortures.

Hurts in youth
Should be constantly guarded
For saneness in the old.

from An Isolation/Poems
Pic from

06 May 2009

Yakuza Asshole

I was aghast when I went to Ayala Center Cebu a few weeks ago.

Just right after the metal detector machine, a Japanese couple, or so I believe they were, with two kids were having a nasty fight. With Koreans, Taiwanese and Japanese invading this nation, you can tell their citizenship through the way they talk and walk. My ears are now adept to the sound of the Korean and Japanese tongues that I just could tell those couple were Japs.

Back to the incident unfolding right in the middle of a busy Ayala, I believe it was a fight despite of the fact that the "wife" was just standing, head bowed and the "husband" shouting as if Ayala was his living room. Suddenly the male Jap slapped the female Jap. Her face getting redder and I was imagining it would burst out of shame. The hapless children, also devoid of voice, looked somewhere but did not move.

No one came to her rescue. I felt sorry for her and the kids.

I don't know how the Japs treat their women. I've never been to Japan and the Japanese I've known were mostly women and the men mostly very meek and mild. What I've read and seen from Memoirs of a Geisha were superfluous I think. That was a time when women were considered servants and whores in their society.

I knew from my readings that they used Filipinas as comfort women during the Japanese occupation in the country.

I knew these Japs were suicidal killers just like their kamikazes.

But I also knew they have overcome that notion and the prejudices we have against them. And being a first world country, I believed the Japs have come to terms with humane treatment, the role of women and gender equality in the society.

But seeing that incident was frustrating. I think everyone was willing but could not place themselves as to what extent should we be of help. Language and cultural barriers posed a problem and might have complicated the scene more.

In the end, all I did (and just like what everyone was doing) was stare and with a heavy heart left the site and did our business as if nothing happened.

But still the look of that woman- afraid, ashamed of the incident- left an imprint even in my dreams.

(Picture from

05 May 2009

Nakita Kita

Nakita kita

Nakatambay lang sa eskinita na tila may inaantay

Nakasigarilyo. At sa bawat hithit parang may kamandag

Na umaapaw sa kabuuhan mo. May parang halong hinagpis

Na parang isang belong bumabalot sa katauhan mo

Na parang isang halimaw na nakaluklok,


Nakita kita.

(Para kay Jay at sa kanyang kaarawan ngayon)

04 May 2009

GMA 7 is in another time zone: WAKE UP!

While I have already seen the Pacquiao-Hatton fight and knew the results before 12 noon yesterday thru live streaming in the internet, the rest of the country who relied GMA 7's broadcast was bombarded by gazillions (to describe their agony) of ads. Such a shame.

And it hurts them, the GMA 7 viewers, to know that some people already knew the results and they were not even able to see some parts of the telecast. It was a double kill. Kapuso daw pero wala namang puso para sa mga tao. Ouch!

Maybe GMA 7 should realize that having all of them ads will not get them enough revenue to get even with what they have paid to Manny Pacquaio. They should stop torturing its followers because they paid Pacquiao so much.

In this highly advanced world of technologies, GMA 7 (and all other networks) should realize that they were not alone and anytime, yesterday for example, a big chunk of televiewers have already opted for a better and more reliable service, pay-per-view TV and the internet.