Search and You Shall Find in My World

14 February 2010

You had me at hello

You had me at hello.

When I know you, I never thought those words will strike me like the cheesy movie. But, you. You left me gasping for air never knowing you were actually gagging me with your sweet you. You had me at hello.

And hello means goodbye.

I never know. Despite the proximity of our body and soul, a bittersweet ending is inevitable. All along I thought it would matter. That closeness I mistook for love.

You pour yourself out to me, crying your loneliness and desperation in my ear. I listen up to the brim, almost not holding on. But it is okay because I care. For you. You showed me your sweetness. You pamper me with things extra-ordinary. I thought it was love.

You had me at hello. And goodbye.

Today is the day of all days. I took a picture of the heraldic parting of clouds with the rays of the sun forcing themselves through. Add a chariot of fire and an angel of death, it would be the perfect ending of the world. But no. There are no chariots, no fires, no angels. But I know today is the end of the world. Clouds starting to cover my blue sky.

That ending starts with a lovely and intimate dinner and a long walk. We talk and talk. And you hug me, oblivious to the world. We have our massage privately. Everything you do is private. You and me. Alone. We have to conquer the world of our own. So selfish of you. I think you only wanted all of me. Just me. And you. Both of us, alone. In this room.

We make love. Slow and tender at first, ascending in different levels, nearing basic instincts. That frantic animalistic copulation I mistook as love we have shared long before. Hungry. Wild. We tear each other's heart out. I gasp. You're holding me like I am going to run. You bite me like a cougar catching a younger prey, only we are opposite. You are pressing my hand like I was tied. You, yourself bound to me. I cling to our nakedness. Wanting. Licking the sickly sweet sweat that runs on your body, never wanting them to leave. Because I know neither the sweat of you I will taste again nor the sickening smell I have come to love but others abhor.

You come like a bursting dam. Every inch of me is drenched from your shuddering body. I feel like a drowning victim, struggling for breath. I am drowning. Drowning in you. My tree-trunk expanding, filling you.

What you missed to soak, I filled in. I, wanting you to be engulfed by me, gushes like we are swimming in this monstrosity. We hold hands. We kiss. Deep. Long. Overflowing with love I only feel. We cling to each other as if the ending is in the offing. We are afraid. I am afraid.

Wasted, we cling to each other. Sweat, tears and everything salty mixed from within and without. I sighed a heavy goodbye, suppresing a tear I could not. I cried silently. Your light snoring and the rain outside covers my tears.

It is the last of you. Tonight. This Valentine's.

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long...

Part of the lyrics of the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles taken from

1 comment:

eRLyN said...

sad :( this entry reminds me so much of bonnie raitt's song "I cant make you love me"