Everyday I jot down notes and make blogs, recording my spiritual journey through fasting during the Ramadan. This is a feat I will surely treasure.
I am grateful for my friends who supported me this far. My family did not know this. Had they known they would surely say I am doing a silly thing.
The past days made me walk on a thin line. Everything I do made me vulnerable and emotional. At times, involuntary (and unnecessary) crying precedes prayers. I just don't know why and how this happens. It's like a free-flowing sort of activity. Like it's a part of the process. Sissy stuff.
But then again, prayers and support and a little bit more of an extended patience up to its very limit, I think, made me survive.
Actually, I hate the spirituality crap of this journey. I am not a religious person. Honestly. My friends asked me and even said I am preparing for my inevitable death hence this fasting. Truth be told, that's what old people do. Pray and pray and pray and make indulgences, fasting being one of them. As if prayers and acts of kindness could erase all the sins they have done when they were younger. Some even adopted priests and nuns to make up what they have lost. Kind of silly, actually.
But no matter how much I deny this fact, I could not refrain from putting theology side by side with my activity. This fasting and all. The ultimate answer leads to God, Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, eternal peace.
And peace indeed I seek.
During this times, my dead ancestors (I hope they rest in peace) paid their nocturnal visits this past days during my fasting. They came as part of my dreams. Which leads me to ask, are they bothered with my observance of "Ramadan"?
My grandparents, my uncles, my neighbors, appeared in a rewind, like an old movie, always reminding me of the past. My grandparents came to me and took me back to the days when they were alive. Awfully happy and without a trace of sadness. My dead uncles visited me too. My neighbors smiled at me too. My favorite auntie is the only remaining dead person who have not made me dream of her. Am I crazy or what?
Whatever these reminders meant, they haunted me through the day. Maybe they are the reason why I am a bit emotional. Maybe they wanted me to discover things. Maybe they are leaving me a message. Maybe they were bored out there and making fun of me. Whatever that is, I am willing to uncover them. I still have about 23 days more to do this. But no! Please, don't leave messages that say it is already the end of the world!
May He will grant us peace and make us all stronger. Alhamdulillah!
(How I wish I could quote a Koran passage here but citing sensitivity to our brothers in Islam, I would not do that since I am not a Muslim.)