Search and You Shall Find in My World

04 March 2009

3 days, 3 nights, 36 beers as I grieve

A perfect relationship just ended. I assumed and presumed that it was perfect because I was unattached to anybody or anything and my partner has just broken up with the boyfriend who left with somebody. Too much presumptions and assumptions.

I actually had a hard time. The courting and stuff took time. I was told to change. The perceptions were not good on me. I was known as the bad guy. Just be consistent and we will not have a problem was the constant reminder. I have to change my person and I obliged. I’ve been so meek and mild and true to my intentions of keeping the promise. Not that I was affirming their (some people's) perceptions, but I wanted the relationship to last longer. Longer than this lifetime.

But I was wrong. The person whom I thought loved me more than anybody else, called me up at 12 midnight on March 1, exactly 36 days when we were officially called THE couple, and informed me the ex came back. And they were once again reunited. That easy. 

That was hard for me. It was the Holocaust repeat, but only the million pieces of my person died in an instant. No gas chambers, no burnt flesh. Just me dissolving into an unknown space no one would ever take notice. I died alone.

And I cried a riverful. The relationship was a crying game until the end. My tears soaked my pillows in the morning. 

In my mind I recalled I was the consistent one. I’ve been dictated on what I should do and have done them all, all done meekly as a lamb, in the name of love. 

But what did I do? I let go.

Although I was so in love, I prefer to let the person go so they could be united once again. For how could you hold on if that person you love loves another? What good would it bring us?

I have all the Whys in the world you could imagine. But please don’t. It was complicated but I was not the one who leave.

Meanwhile, I have deadlines to beat but I did not mind them. I diverted my phone so no one would disturb me. I even deleted my accounts in the internet. This affected me so much. I was so bitter and kept blaming myself but at the same time hoping I could get over as fast and live my life again. 

It was a daily disaster. Terrible. A few days ago my lola died and I cried. And this. Everything and everyone died. Couldn't help my emotional mode to settle in. My person experienced a global warming within. My tears would suddenly roll like they were melted polar caps. And so when I could not cry any more, when my eyes have dried, I started cleaning the house. Every single nook and cranny I cleaned. I rearranged everything but not my thoughts.

Three days and three nights I cried. I was not sleeping. I was not working. I was not eating. I was drinking a lot. 36 bottles of San Miguel All Malt Premium for the 36 days of happiness that turned into hideously repulsive memories. 3 days. 3 nights. 36 beers.

In other words, I grieved. 

I could have done what King David has done. Get naked, go out and pour soil all over my body while questioning God why it happened. But I could not go out naked or else I would be in CPDRC (yeah, that prison facility) which is just a few kilometers away. And since no top soil could be found within a few yards from my place, I did not do a King David. I could not even question God on this.

I have loved and lost. Again.

And so I grieved. Just for now.


Miki said...

sabi nga doon sa post mo on How to Stay Young:

The tears happen: Endure, grieve and move on. The only person who is with us in our entire life is ourselves. Live while you are alive.

and time does heal all wounds.
trite but true.

kg said...

you know, on the basis of you previous posts, I had an inkling that something "bad" has happened.

it's sad. it's part of life. but being on the rebound was never a good way to start the relationship. obviously, she's still hung up on the guy.

be strong edik. i know you are.

Cathy said...

You will be fine. Everything gets better with time.

The Beancounter said...

bro, what can we do to help?

Edik said...

thanks guys. i am so touched with your concern. i am doing good actually. this is the grieving part. nothing you can do but really i am very thankful i have friends like you.

i will move on.